A compulsive dependency on approval and validation from others in an attempt to find safety, self worth and identity - an addiction to someone else’s problems. The co-dependent personality can be a spouse, significant other, a parent or even a child.

Co-dependency is a term used to describe an individual who is in any relationship in which hurtful "helping" and enabling is created. It is designed by the co-dependent’s sense of needing to make things better, which is perfectly complimented by an addict’s need and/or desire not to address a problem in his or her life, i.e. drug or alcohol use. The co-dependent enables or allows the use to continue through a systematic way of helping that is well intentioned but based on delusional and distorted thinking. Enabling behavior makes the problem grow worse rather than better.

Enabling: Any behavior that allows a compulsive, destructive behavior in another individual to continue without the person experiencing consequences or responsibility for the act.

Common Traits of a Co-Dependent Personality:

Co-dependents are attracted to crisis situations and are obsessively compelled to rush in and fix other people’s problems before fixing their own. They question why they are so tired all the time, emotionally and physically. They complain that others are too needy, but in truth they find their self-worth in helping others.

Co-dependents want to feel needed. They typically have a history of not getting their own needs met (especially as children), so they settle for the next best thing to being loved, and that is to feel wanted. Consequently, they tend to fall in love with people they can rescue. Without this, they feel deprived of a purpose in the relationship and in life.

Co-dependents thrive on pleasing others. Making others happy becomes the co-dependent’s primary goal to the point of self-sacrifice. They cannot say "no". They neglect their basic needs for love, friendship and support from others in exchange for pleasing the addict/alcoholic, etc. They are unable to generate any sense of achievement outside the realm of care-taking another individual.

Co-dependents lose their sense of self in order to fit into the destructive relationship they are seduced by. They repress their desires and often have no idea what they want or even what they are feeling.

Co-dependents have low self-esteem. They attempt to find love from others that do not have the capacity to love back. They are disappointed that they put so much effort in and never get anything in return. This reinforces the belief that they are unlovable and worthless. They feel that they are the problem, that they have not done enough.

Co-dependents have an overwhelming fear of abandonment. They are convinced they cannot survive in the world without their partner. They are cut off from outside supports and their social circle is diminished (usually because of fear and shame).

Detachment is Healthy

First, it is important to help the addict/alcoholic "get help" from professionals. Then, the partner can "support" rather than enable the addict/alcoholic.

Detachment also means letting go of the emotional involvement one has developed with the chemically dependent person. It means learning how to take care of oneself while allowing others to experience the natural consequences of their actions.